I Am Spongebob

Star shaped washing up sponge

Wants to be a flower

Looks like a star

Baby hot water bottle

Like a baby penguin

It just popped out

You don’t wanna know me yet you stalk me

On twitter

What a freak

Not so chic

But oh well doesn’t matter

‘Cause you’re a doctor

Fed up of it all

Seeing what you’re doing to my family

Can’t bear to see her in so much pain

All this shit is driving me insane

Life is one tough cookie to crack

To break and crumble

Like caramelised biscuits into tea

All wrapped up

But it’s cold inside

Need a heater for my nose

Need to take advantage of these sacred 10 days

Constant prayers

For those loved and lost

For those that have lost and loved

And for my 2 mothers

Who without, I don’t know what I’d do

It’s like all my life you said “Be a shoe!

But what if I don’t wanna be a shoe?

What if I wanna be a hat?”

It’s a damn metaphor

The only thing that cheers me up when I’m feeling like this

Important meetings tomorrow

First friend to turn 23

That’ll soon be me

Eeek

Meeting Patrick too

‘Cause you see I am actually Spongebob

The Great

The Mighty

The Yellow

London on Tuesday

I think so

Oh Gary Barlow

I see your face staring up at me from the floor

Like Rasputin

Let me just put my sister to bed

And we’ll talk.

Menopause

Life is my coffin

Alone, cold, being eaten by maggots

Any which way you turn you see darkness

Any which way you turn you get bitten

Better to be alone init

Rather than break free and sin it

Wasteman sitting there with his arm around next gyal

Pulling her in with his poisonous wrath

I got myself reeled in too

The hooks still in my mouth

Wanna pull it out ‘n’ dash it at his head

Oh Joe, you’re such a hoe

But a man with a challa just does it for me

I’m weird like that

No-one will ever get me

Why do so many just come and go

I wanna scream

Walk that beam

Fall off the edge

Hit my head on glass

Smoke a bit of grass

I’m a rabbit

Follow me down the hole

People dressed up as devils

Why make it obvious

There’s a devil inside us all

Towards the light you crawl

Ah but the light isn’t light

It’s fire

Ha, he got you didn’t he

Connect the cuts, connect the cuts

Doesn’t make sense

My voice is breaking

Just hit puberty

Way past puberty

Awaiting the menopause

I fuckin’ miss my spoon

Such a frikkin goon

Stick to me

Only then I’ll be free

Just me and my invisible friend

All friendship is invisible anyway

Saw those people from the past

Sheesha Lounge Cheetham Hill

Bare memories bruv, bare memories

Dancing and singing

Kuch Kuch Hota Hai

Seeing people do big things

I’m proud

Gotta stand out from the crowd

It’s Halloween

Nah it ain’t

You people act like it’s Christmas already

But Santa’s an undercover alcoholic

All dressed in green

Ah shit mate, you just removed my spleen

It doesn’t even hurt no more

Just a sense of...

N...O...T...H...I...N...G...N...E...S...S.

Silver Sickle

Cheese and pickle

Lost my silver sickle

I ain’t no muggle

That’s why this whole thing’s such a struggle

Gotta get up to get down

Turn that frown into a smile

Turn that smile into a frown

Gotta steal her Majesty’s crown

You see, it’s cold outside

And my feet are cold

It’s a sign of the times

I’m getting old           

Need to book my theory

And do a hella other shit

Right now though I dunno what’s up with me

Life’s a giant Nagini pit

Want my letter to Hogwarts too

There’s more to life than just

t...h...i...s...

Fed up of the same ol’ same ol’

Pile of steamin’ great ish

Everything’s so different now

I’m so disappointed with me

Should have achieved all that typical stuff by now

What the hell happened to me

He stands at the door

With his phone in his hand

Want a ‘Chunky Chicken’

Yes please

Sleaze

Get on your knees

Arrgh it hurts

Stop hurting me

My minds a vortex

Let me suck you in

Can be pretty grim

I warned you though

Weddings ‘n’ stuff

All excited ‘n’ stuff

But reminds me of the happy ending I’ll never have

Was thinking about him today

Actually shed a tear

Can’t believe I’ve known him 7 years

Don’t wanna be like the tramp couple

Who sat next to me on the bus

Husband reeking of alcohol

Wife screaming about puss-

-y, and all the women her husband had shagged

Like we wanna know that shit

Don’t get me all depressed

Thinking about our plans for India

Angel makes me happy

Got the same passions as me in life

We just gotta make it happen

A convoy in Goa

Adventure in Milan

Lifetime in New York

And an eternity in Jannah

Insha’Allah.

Won The Lottery

Hopped up off the sofa

Tripped on next mans swag

Maybe if I’d tied my shoelaces

I wouldn’t be here today

I’ve got loads to say

To a whole lotta people

But what’s the point

And what’s up

Yeahhhhhh

Maybe in another life

I will be your girl

I’ll always be your girl

We both know it

Sometimes the attitude pisses me off though

We ain’t all as fortunate as you

It happened to Sai and Amira

The same thing that happened to me

Sometimes one of those little buggers just gets through

And you’re left calling yourself Christian

Except I'm not a gay man

And I'm Muslim, not Christian

Don’t know what to feel anymore

So I’ll carry on stroking my friends shalwar

Wedding clashes and chocolate brownies

Oh what to do?

OMG I think my mate just won the lottery

Interrupted my typing

LOL

Just checked, he didn’t win shit

Funny, funny guy

Back to today

Good V Evil

He misses his Dad too

Raavan and Jeevan

We got a DJ called that

And there’s all these media plans being made without consultation

I’m bare confused bruv

At least my writing’s being appreciated

I used to be a mango

Perched high upon that banana tree

One day you’ll see me

Chewing on the grass.

Mr Muscle

Hey apple

Stop looking at me

My head hurts

My heart hurts

My eyes hurt

Meh

Even my tooth hurts

I can be such a drama queen

At least I’m not like that god-damned fiend

I hear that Scottish Chris left too

And the other one wasn’t in

Pretending to be sick

Aha they’re all missing me really

Even old Kath and glasses waali Shirley

Cleaned out the fridge and gave it to my aunt

Like cleaning away memories

With Mr Muscle spray

He does the hard work so you don’t have to

What a lie though

‘Cause he doesn’t have to sit here

And cope with all these memories

Good memories even hurt

Like too tight buttons at the top of your shirt

Squeezing your neck ‘til your face goes blue

I was actually looking forward to getting to know Stu

Red light keeps flashing

Spit keeps on splashing

Time keeps on dashing

Away from my fingertips

Writing about cars

And content for the site

Allah gives us talent, with his amazing might

It’s up to us what we do with it

Use it

Utilise it

Do good with it

We all have the power within us to change the world

Don’t abuse it

You choose init

The right path or the wrong one

Depends on your perception

Like inception

A dream within a dream within a dream

I sit here silently with my mouth closed and my eyes open

And I scream

Can anybody hear me?

Ah, fuck it

I’m fine

I'll be okay

There’s a shortbread cookie with my name on it

Better go get it

It must be in my kismet.

Mustard-Coloured Shoes

Is it coz I is paki

Or is it coz I is black

Nah it’s more the fact that I’m paki

That’s why you gave me the sack

A sack of potatoes

I’ma throw at your head

And they mummified Alan

All dead in his bed

God rest his soul

If only he knew

The things in death

That the body goes through

I need a job

I got things to do

But I gotta get paid

The way others gotta get laid

But mate that’s bare shadey

I didn’t do owt

Just ‘cause of the mustard coloured shoes

And you threw me out

Oh well, I guess I gotta be my own boss

I wanna be my own boss

Homosexual Nick owes me a tenner

Not gonna let you people steal from me

It’s funny that you don’t let people just be

Gotta be one

All the same

Some weird kind of sick twisted ‘corporate’ game

Got things to do

Time to be a holiday rep

Or go to that wedding next week and just be a tep

Oh shit, I forgot Eid’s coming up

Better book myself a stall

‘n’ then there’s the Mehndi in Sanam Banquet Hall

I need to be in London

The city that actually does sleep

Or roam around and find myself a sheep

Not in that way

Blud, I’m not gay

Just need to pray

‘Cause Allah guides

In disguise

Keep looking

Keep searching

He’s there

Gonna miss Jess

And the Borrowers Borrowers in the tiny training room

Guess this goes to show

That I really am

“more than just a driver”...

I told you so.

A* Student

Glad I’m not alone

Not the only weirdo out there

Not really weird

Just the kind to make life more interesting

PING!!!

Still asleep

Midnight roti salan

Imagine I’d died

No-one would have even checked

That’s quite sad actually

I’ma hashtag your face

Think about that little group

Inside that little room

Inside the sellotape holder

Maybe one day they’ll be like us

“More than just a driver” too

I hope so

In my dreams she told me not to worry

So who cares I haven’t graduated yet

Next year Insha’Allah

I argue with myself though

I’m an A* student

What happened to me

Ah don’t worry

I’m still gonna be someone

And even if you don’t know my name

I’m gonna be me

You’ll see

It’s clearly getting to me though

Even though I know

That everything happens for a reason

I should be on Young Apprentice

Though I’m not young anymore

Nearly 23

So scary

Not celebrating anymore

No point really

Need to clear the mess

Clear my mind

I shouldn’t be right here, right now

Lying on a beach

Underneath the stars

Inside my head anyway

Chickpeas and potatoes

Shouted at for wearing shorts

Oh how I love working corporately

And being an Asian.

Golden Goose Feathers

I predict an Earthquake up in here

Labrinth was right

Turkey got hit

That’s some deep shit

Gotta pray for these people

They’re OUR people

Gotta stick together

Instead of breaking tethers

Golden goose feathers

Thank you for visiting me in my sleep

You brought Jalebis

I miss you so much

Still can’t believe you’re gone

She won’t let us grieve for you

I won’t forget you

Those other dreams are driving me crazy though

She needs to piss off

Like I give a fuck if she’s getting married

But if she’s marrying him then they both take the piss

Sleeping with your best mate behind your back

Yet calling you her best mate

Fucked up shit right there

But bitches be hoes

The bitterness grows

I told her it was wrong

I got screwed in the process

LOL

Leave me here in my lego house

Don’t need none of this

I’ll be happy

Just me

And He

N the right person will come along when He knows your ready

I’m just not ready

That’s all

Here today, gone tomorrow

Like Sami, ‘cause Louis is a twat

But that’s bullshit music

We need real music

Like Lowkey

21^st November baby

Can’t wait

Nah, don’t hate

Appreciate

I miss my monkey toes

Need to go to London

Now, Paul Frank monkey on my bag

Stop laughing at me

Else I shall destroy you

I won’t really

You’re just too cute.

Sugar Chandelier

It's one of those days

More like one of those lives

Yesterday we talked about having 7 wives

More like 4

Why can’t I have 4 husbands?

That’s not fair

Less men in the world now anyway

We need more lesbians and less gays

Make it even init

Tumble-dry it, spin it

Be in it to win it

Or is it all about the journey

Don’t stop believing

People don’t stop scheming

There’s a Jinn inside her

Trying to sway her

Play her

Driving insane her

And all of us

Clutch control needs some work

But we laughed like fools

Because I am “more than just a driver”

Haha, John Lewis gives me joke

Then again Peter Griffin gives me joke

Stewie is my saviour

Scraping metal legs

Against other metal legs

Come on now, there’s space for all of us

Being a woman and wearing heels

Doesn’t mean you gotta be a woman that

Giggles and squeals

42 years of Corrie today

Rosie Webster’s all grown up

Rather sketty, I’d say

Good friends, best friends

I hope he doesn’t think it’s more than that

Got a cat in my hat

Oh what to do

I need my socks

Pink and blue

Sugar chandelier smashed to pieces

Portrays everything really

You work so hard

And it falls to pieces in front of your eyes

Too many spies

Fake facebook friends

Bullshit twitter topic trends

The end is nigh

You ain’t seen nothing yet

Alcoholic reverts

Muslim perverts

It’s a balancing act

Can’t deny solid fact

That’s your choice

But open your mind

Free your thoughts

Who cares about threats and taunts

And you’re never alone if you like the person you’re alone with

So love yourself

Trust yourself

Guns & Roses

A pocket full of poses

We all fall down

Who will rise though?

Raas, Tulisa’s got bare attitude

Going off her

Perfect example though

Of going from this to that

Just wanna be me

It’s a shame that all you see

Is violence in movies

And sex on TV.

Potatoes Will Potate

Haters gon’ hate

Potatoes gon’ potate

The bastard’s dead

Let’s celebrate

Nah man, you don’t celebrate death

Indeed

Celebrate liberation

An entire generation

The Libyans rejoice

I pray for their peace

Insha’Allah

Up and down Wimy Road bro

Out in full force bro

None of this blasting music

Driving up and down for no reason bro

Allah bless them

Mickey’s got his thumbs up

Tapas Spanish grubs up

Writings on the wall

And a message in a bottle

Things ain’t gonna change

What about the rest of the waste

What about Palestine?

What about Gaza?

What about Somalia

And our brothers and sisters in Pakistan?

Afghanistan?

Everyone’s fucked up

Like they’re all smoking crack

I keep falling asleep

‘cause her voice flippin’ BORES me

Where’s the excitement?

The fun?

Where are peoples personalities?

I see what they’re doing

Uniformed people

Uniform society

Social moulding

Bitches be yodelling

Modelling

Grovelling

Well they should be

Ya Allah, don’t leave me

I need you

Don’t leave me

Ri-Ri’s got a new video out

Too sick, too sick

But still highlights the fact that the world is a prick

Makes me sick

Oh what’s on TV?

Watchdog

Dogging watches about banks and holidays

Holiday company screwed me over

Actually my ‘sister’ did more

They just broke the law

I told you the world is fucked up

Stop yo, shit, that’s raw.